– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.

One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17]

The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,[19]» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22]»

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

A bewhiskered[23] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?[25]

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come[26] from under the bed. «Is there someone there?» he asked absently. «No, professor,» answered the thief. «That is strange,» muttered the professor. «I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.»

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher[27] and a guy with a Chihuahua.[28] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– Just follow me.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on[29] a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.[30]

The guy at the door says,

– A Doberman Pinscher?

He says,

– Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.

The guy at the door says,

– OK, come on in.

The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The guy at the door says,

– A Chihuahua?

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!

A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,

– I want to engrave inside this ring «From George to Dora[31]».

The jeweller said,

– If you take my advice, sir, you will just have «From George».